7 & 8 April (Thursday and Friday)

Thursday:

Today woke up and honestly, i drag waking up this morning. THough there is no school, I just wish i could sleep thru and wake up on Sat. My dad is going to SGH to see the heart surgeon. I'm worried but at the same time my past is denying that. My mind is confused, my mind is not in the right frame. I'm just fuzz up (dun know what it means but that's how i felt. and by the way if's not a substitute for the other "F" word). I just couldn't stay at home and see how he is worried but yet he still keeps on smoking. Contradiction to life. Want to live but yet still wasting it away. And my mum is starting her paranoid self again. I dun blame her becoz since when i was young, my family is not well-to-do. And my mum always felt very insecured. So now the operation is goin to cost a sum and she is feeling insecure and becoming very paranoid. And she will go into a state where she will start to grumble over this and that. Initially, it is still managable to hear her but after a while, it really stretch my patience to the limit. I thought i just needed to get out of the house. Yes I did and I know where exactly to go. Church, the place which is my 2nd home. That's the place I will always go to whether I'm in good or bad mood. That's where i can really find peace and quietness.

So I went to church and Ting2 happened to be there too to help Lydia. I tried to keep myself busy so that i'll not think too much. Can't really remembered what i did. All I knew was that i just didn't want to think too much. Then before I knew, it was 7pm. Ate dinner, then went over to Daniel's place to run some errand. Then went to eat supper and went home at about 10 plus. By then, i was too tired to even think about anything. Found out that my dad's op will be on 20 May. And it's near my exam period. Haiz. Dun know what to do. Dun want to think that far. All I can pray is that the Lord to give me rest and peace of mind. Though I'm in a big struggle but I know i cannot break down now. Though i can't do much for the family, I cannot break down or else I will be an extra burden and worry. Lord, when i'm lost in the valley, You'll be my light. When I'm alone in the desert, You'll be my companion.

Friday:

WOke up again for the 8656th time of my life. Haha! And morning wasn't that good. Mum was still a bit hangover from her paranoid mood. After learning my ear to her, I left home for church again. I'm goin to church to help out but i guess more of running away from home. After lunch, gave tuition to Calvin and didn't manage to have time to do any flower arrangement for the weekend svc. Nvm. There's always another time. And den I left for home. Tonight will be a busy night. Need to prepare many things for Sat. Saturday morning going airport in the morning to send off those going to Cambodia for mission trip. Then need to write up my pen-pals letter to pass to the mission team to pass to the Cambodian pen pal. Then afternoon got 2 worship practise which i had to prepare the scores. Then after that there's youth fellowship and i had to touch up on my lesson. Woah! Plenty things for me to do to keep me busy. haha!