Monday Blues

TOday no school. Should be quite a good day but in fact, it was a very down day for me. My dad went for a review in the hospital and the doctor recommended him to go for a heart by-pass operation. I really dun know how i should feel. I am worried for him but yet i am also angry with him. Why don't he just stop smoking? Does he care about the family? He spend so much on cigarettes and not only does he harm himself, his smoking affects his family. And now the family has to fork out a sum to pay for his medical bills. I'm really in struggle. God has given me this father and i cannot deny him. But just that so many things had happened and I'm numb. I just can't feel as much for him. I tried recalling in the past all those good times with him, I tried remembering him carrying me when i was a little boy, i tried but i just couldn't remember any. And I felt so useless. I can't do much for the family. I just feel like a liability to the family.
And there's also my life which is practically in a mess. Trying to sort out my own studies, trying to keep myself focus. Dealing with my own emotions. Serving in church ministry. There is just too much things on my mind. My emotion is so weak that anything could easily bring me to tears. Lord, in my weakest moment, you will never forsake me and You are my strength and fortress. That night, when i went to bed, I just cried myself to sleep. But somehow or rather I knew i was not alone. I was crying in His embrace. Behind every storm, there is always a rainbow.