Weakest Link

Hiazzzzzzzz! Why am i so musically untalented? I just simply can't play in beat and when playing as a band, i utterly can't hear myself and I'm totally playing out of beat. ARGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHH! Today playing guitar for Darren and Xin Ling. But was like really struggling to keep in beat for the fast song. Then with the distortions, I really can't concentrate. Den the song "My redeemer lives", i was totally unable to keep the beat when everybody plays. ARRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH! I'm the weakest link. Maybe that's why i got demoted to being a Worship Leader. Hahahahah! Hmmmmm! Honestly 2 things that a musician will not want to be. Either tone deaf or beatless. Haha! Feel like giving up! Dun wan to ever play guitar again. Yah rite! That's an easy way out but i know i can never stop playing guitar becoz until now, it has always been God's grace in my guitar playing. I must do something about it. I really want to pick up drum. At least playing this instrument, i am force to pay attention to beat and rhythm. Yes! that's what i'm goin to do. But den the problem is which teacher is willingly to suffer for me. Haha! We shall see. HE will provide rite. Haha! Hmmmm! Must also start to pick up guitar as a student. Must go and learn from everybody and anybody. YAAAAAAYYYYYYYYY!!!!!!!!!

25 - 26 Mar (Sat - Sun)

25 Mar

Woke up 6am this morning. Couldn't sleep. Dun know why. This morning have a seminar to attend at St John St Margaret at 9am. Den meeting some of the youths at 7.45am at Simei MRT platform. Ding Yi and Xin Ling came over at abt 7.10am to my house to put their barang barang as there's a stayover tonight at my place. Den being the hospitable me, I make them breakfast. After breakfast, left for Simei MRT. Then took us about an hour to reach Dover MRT station. Suppose to meet Darren, Yvon and Jamie at that time but they were late. Hmmmm. Ai yoh! Then told the rest to go first while i wait for them. By the time reach SJSM, was like 9.10am. Late and worship had started. And only managed to get back seats. Anyway i haven't say what seminar i'm attending. Attending this seminar "10 keys to choosing life partner'' by Pastor Benny Ho. I must say he is indeed a very good speaker. The way he carry his message was humorous but yet straight to the point. Just a quick run thru of the 10 keys.

1) The Wisdom of Seeking Counsel
2) The Principle of Equally Yoked
3) The beauty of Purity
4) The Principle of Shared Inheritance
5) The Presence of Willingness
6) The Key of Prayer
7) The Important value of Kindness
8) The need for Family Blessing
9) The Principle of Timing
10) The Principle of Well

I guess the last 2 points really kept me thinking. Timing. I believe that in God's timing, all things will fall into place. And I believe that God will give the best to me. But many a times, I just simply sit there and wait for God's timing. Is tat good? No in fact it's so wrong not so much in waiting upon God but in that I'm so engrossed in focusing on the timing that i do nothing but just day and night, waiting anxiously. How foolish! And also the principle of well which actually talks abt many characters in the bible found their partners near the well. Well symbolishes community gathering and for us our well is the church. Stay around the 'well' and the right one may appear rite before your eyes. Hmmmm! haha! Well after the seminar went back to Simei, had lunch at KFC and went to church. Was a bit rush for me becoz i agreed to help to lead worship for the English Patient Svc. It is like at 3.15pm and i got back to church at abt 2.30pm. Den after the svc, i'm leading worship at the youths. Den after the worship, there's a meeting with senior pastor. I left half way becoz i was simply too tired. Since 6am i woke up and my mind was dying away. So after that went to NTUC bought some food to cook dinner. Some of the youths staying over. Watch soccer, play majong, talk some rubbish, den before you know it, it was nearly 1am. Lights off. Lionel and Ariz slept in my room. Darren fitted just nice in my living room sofa. Xin Ling, Wen Yuan, Yvon and Joanne squeezed in my parent's bed. I and Ding Yi slept on mattress in the dining room. Yawnnn!

26 Mar

Woke up at 7am. Saw a figure sitting down in the living room. (not wearing spects) so was wondering who it was. It was Xin Ling. Apparently she got jostled out of the bed at around 4am den end up sitting and sleeping on one of the single seat sofa. SO poor thing. Den quickly got up, woke the rest up and prepare breakfast. Scrambled egg and picnic chicken with bread and milo. Suppose to leave home by 7.50am. End up leaving at around 8.05am. As usual someone taking HER own sweet time. Haiz. Dun know wat to say. The perfect Melancholy in me was getting impatient but den the Peaceful Phlegmatic side of me is telling me to be erhhhh.... be peaceful. haha! So reached church at abt 8.20am den some of us Joanne, Wen Yuan, Darren and Yvon joined some of the adults in the morning prayer. So glad they join in becoz this morning prayer is very important. It is kinda like the spiritual foundation of the Sunday's svc. Really hope they will come to pray more often.
After svc, waited for William and Lydia to go for lunch. Went to Sakura to eat. Then chit-chat a bit and shared about my life and wat was going on. Haha! Then rush to AHS for the Street Soccer tournament. Darren, daniel, james, colin, jason and me playing. Our first match will be the tournament 5th match. However after 3rd match, rained den stop playing for a while. Den resume match and our turn, we went in with style. The first thing the opponents commented was, "Woah! They all so big sized one!" Haha! Not too sure if he meant it big-tough or big-flabby. Hmmm! Then next we had some pre-shooting. First shot, i make a diving saved. Trying to pyschologically affect the opponents. Den next Daniel took a blistering shot at me. I tried to parry the ball with both hands but it was so strong, it pierce thru my parry and smack right into my face. Kinda twisted my right wrist. Den next Darren rammed a shot at me while i was not looking. Hit right into my left shoulder. Power man! I think by then, the opponents were pyschologically affected. Then we started the match. We were doing fine, having good possession and a few attempt. They had a few fair chance. One shot parried by me and thkfully, it hit the pole and rolled away from the line. But never did we know, a quick attack on the right by the opponents and a bit of luck, they squeezed the ball pass me at the near pole at a tight angle. We were a bit taken a back but we weren't going to give up. We fought stonger and increased our fire power. Finally, Jason got his chance and sliced the ball pass the keeper at the far pole. Beautiful. And minutes later, Jason added his No.2 with a volley. Superb. And the game ended. 2-1. Brillant. Haha! Then after the nextt match, the rain started to pour again and the match was postponed to 9 Apr. And guess what , i can't play. Church got AGM and definitely AGM is more important. Pity i have to say but i'm sure the team will still do pretty fine without me. Den another bad news. Uncle Bryan say the 5pm soccer, cancelled. So xian. Haiz. So they ferried us to Tanah Merah MRT and went to TM to eat dinner. Everybody was stoning. Haha! So after dinner, all went home. Reached home at abt 6pm den sleep until 9.30pm. Haha. WHat a day! And dad and mum is coming home tmr. Hehe! Quite fun to be home alone but den also realised a lot of housework to do.

If you can't be a gentleman, dun be anything at all!

Men out there! Listen carefully! Yes, if you can't be a gentleman or even at least act as once, go vaporised yourself. If you can't be a good father or husband dun get married. If you think that you are of superior being, maybe you should go see yourself in the toilet bowl. I'm blowing my top again. That father of my is really getting on my nerves. I really dun know wat to do. I just wish i was a bad kid and den i will have no reasons not to give him a good lesson. After his surgery, his attitude nvr improves but becomes more erractic. Maybe you think that I'm just a person who has low tolerant and an unfilial son. I wish to think so but i'm not. He is really pushing his limits. His lamentations have not stopped. He will have any critics on anything. Then he will keep complaining that he has to take so many medicine (which is normal since it is required by all heart-by-pass pple). Den he keep saying his condition not improving. It's all in his mind lah. Den he say that he would rather not have gone for the surgery which he feels had make him worst. Rubbish. So selfish thoughts. Yah lorh! Dun go for surgery then get stroke then the whole family has to slog physically and financially to take care of him. By the way, that's what he say, he say he rather get stroke den go for surgery if he knew the outcome. Then my poor mum has to constantly take care of him, meeting to his 'buffet' needs. Non-stop calling my mum for this for that. Like my mum is the maid or the home nurse. Come on man, how old are you alreadi, not as if he is bedridden or wheelchair bounded. Then the worst is he will always verbally abused my mum. Then my mum is those who had been sloggin at home to take care of the family so is a bit kind of back-dated and she is really lousy at quarelling. So everytime she quarrels with him, she always put herself in down wind and always end up being abused verbally by my dad. Then my dad also nvr show her respect outside. He will either shout at her or make a spectacle. I still can ta han if he shout at me or try to pick a quarrel becoz i can handle it but not when he does it with my mum. Go pick on someone your size if you are a true man. Den he also one ungrateful person. Today he just say one of the nastiest things to my sis. My parents going to China so my sis bought an extra thermal gloves for them. So my dad commented they had more than enough and why she buy without asking HIM. Then he go on saying about the Korea trip which my sis went and she bought back this $1000 worth of Ginseng product for them. He say that it's a waste of money. Wat type of father is this. Being filial and this is the shit you get from him. Really i'm hitting my top. I think the frequency i'm hitting my top, my level has leveled to like lvl50. Very soon, i can up level to the next job level. Sometimes, even though i have a father, i feel like i have no father. I'm saying this not out of anger but in fact with sadness. I dun like to compare but when I see other people's father, i can only just stand there and envy. I'm sure every father is not perfect but at least i know their fathers love their family more than themselves. My dad is the opposite. He loves the family but he loves himself more. He has contributions to the family but it doesn't justify his responsiblity. All my life, honestly, I nvr learn anything from him nor is there anything that i want to model after him. The only thing i learn from him is not to follow his foot steps. But den again, it left a lot of holes in my growing up. I grew up insecured, inconfident, timid, unsocialable (intentional becoz afraid). Despite all these, I still give thanks to God. I nvr had a good role-model but den He showed me the way. He brought me out of the valley. He let me sit at the top of the mountain. He comforts me when i'm down. He encourages me when I fail. He praise me when I do well. He shows me what is right and He disciplines me when i'm wrong. He never fail me. He never stray away nor took a nap. He stood behind me, beside me, in front of me and above me. He is my Father in heaven.

Lord, I know my earthly father had failed as a father figure but I pray that you will take away any hatred, anger, bitterness or pain from me against him. I don't want to judge him. And I ask that with Your love, You will help to change him. And that at times when I'm blowing my top, Lord help me to calm down and may Your grace fill me. And even though he fail, You never fail and I thank You for guiding and caring for me like a shepherd to a lamb. And I pray that God, You will help me to become a good husband and father when i become one. Thank you Lord. Amen!

Master Piece

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TRYING TO BE ARTISTIC! HA HA! CAN GUESS WHAT I JUST DO???

Mess Up????

It's really a long time i haven't blog. As usual, it's not becoz there's nothing to blog but really no desire to just sit down and blog. So many things have happen over the last 2 months. It's like time really flies. I went back as a helper to this SERVE program. I truly enjoyed it and really love the group i was in. Diakoneans. Servants of our God. Though a substantial age gap, i still was able to enjoy everybody's companion. But then time really flies and first the lecture phase was over and quickly the 1 week of mission trip is over. What can i say? But even as I slow down to think about this 2 months worth of SERVE, I just sense that I am using SERVE as a means of running away from reality. I'm really finding a chore in my studies. It's not that I hate studying but just that for my last 12 yrs of education, i had nvr truly done what I enjoy. Maybe it sounds like i'm a spoilt kid but I beg to differ. It's just that I nvr was built to be like part of the defined society. I'm good in numbers and bad in language and nvr was i given that chance to explore my forte. Instead i was clustered with things i nvr will enjoy. I'm trying to find a purpose. I just really want to get over with my studies. I got back my results and i just barely scrap pass which i was really very contended considering the amount of effort i had put in. And I honestly can't stand the pressure from my parents. Though they have been more liberal and not demanding me to show them the results, I know that deep in them, they want not just good but fantastic results. It has always been like this since young. A 80mark is not good enough becoz it shows that i do not know 20% of my stuff and i had to work harder to achieve that lost marks. So in my mentality, if i need to do anything, it is either i do it very well or i dun do at all. So I'm very paranoid over exams. When I study, I need to study everything or else i will feel very paranoid. I will keep thinking that if i miss out even 1 chpter, i'm going to do very badly. That's how bad it is. Even right now, though i know wat is the issue, i cannot fully remove such paranoid in me. I really feel mess up. And honestly, this is really a bad testimony to the youths I'm with. On one hand, i will encourage them to do their best even if they find it hard but yet myself, i'm like in a mess. Ironical? Hyprocritical? I dun know. Having said all these, I still want to draw myself back to God. I need to believe and I want to believe that what i'm going thru now, He has a plan for me. I may be suffering but His grace is sufficient. Help me Lord! Let me not be tested beyond my threshold! And even if it's over my limit, may I find your extra portion of You in me and I know i can soar like eagle's wings! Amen!