Mess Up????

It's really a long time i haven't blog. As usual, it's not becoz there's nothing to blog but really no desire to just sit down and blog. So many things have happen over the last 2 months. It's like time really flies. I went back as a helper to this SERVE program. I truly enjoyed it and really love the group i was in. Diakoneans. Servants of our God. Though a substantial age gap, i still was able to enjoy everybody's companion. But then time really flies and first the lecture phase was over and quickly the 1 week of mission trip is over. What can i say? But even as I slow down to think about this 2 months worth of SERVE, I just sense that I am using SERVE as a means of running away from reality. I'm really finding a chore in my studies. It's not that I hate studying but just that for my last 12 yrs of education, i had nvr truly done what I enjoy. Maybe it sounds like i'm a spoilt kid but I beg to differ. It's just that I nvr was built to be like part of the defined society. I'm good in numbers and bad in language and nvr was i given that chance to explore my forte. Instead i was clustered with things i nvr will enjoy. I'm trying to find a purpose. I just really want to get over with my studies. I got back my results and i just barely scrap pass which i was really very contended considering the amount of effort i had put in. And I honestly can't stand the pressure from my parents. Though they have been more liberal and not demanding me to show them the results, I know that deep in them, they want not just good but fantastic results. It has always been like this since young. A 80mark is not good enough becoz it shows that i do not know 20% of my stuff and i had to work harder to achieve that lost marks. So in my mentality, if i need to do anything, it is either i do it very well or i dun do at all. So I'm very paranoid over exams. When I study, I need to study everything or else i will feel very paranoid. I will keep thinking that if i miss out even 1 chpter, i'm going to do very badly. That's how bad it is. Even right now, though i know wat is the issue, i cannot fully remove such paranoid in me. I really feel mess up. And honestly, this is really a bad testimony to the youths I'm with. On one hand, i will encourage them to do their best even if they find it hard but yet myself, i'm like in a mess. Ironical? Hyprocritical? I dun know. Having said all these, I still want to draw myself back to God. I need to believe and I want to believe that what i'm going thru now, He has a plan for me. I may be suffering but His grace is sufficient. Help me Lord! Let me not be tested beyond my threshold! And even if it's over my limit, may I find your extra portion of You in me and I know i can soar like eagle's wings! Amen!